I’m tired today. I don’t want to do anything. And it’s on days like this that I know I need to do something lest I lose my mind. But I don’t want to. Does anyone else relate to this conundrum?

It seemed like things just started all wrong for me today. I didn’t sleep well last night – probably because we rearranged our bedroom furniture and my brain thought I was somewhere else. Then I got a cold shower, because apparently our water heater decided my husband was the only one in our house worthy of a hot shower today. Normally I don’t take a shower until the baby’s first naptime, but today we had the inspection for the house we’re trying to buy so I had to be ready to go by 8:40, when my husband was going to pick me and the baby up. Luckily my husband left work a little early and came home to help with the baby so I could be ready to leave on time.

The inspection went great. Baby wasn’t too happy by the end of it because his next meal ended up being late, plus he didn’t get a great nap. But he’s napping now, I’m drinking the coffee I craved all morning as I write, and listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtracks.

Incidentally, I just love the music from those movies. It’s what I listen to when I want to get creative and write fiction. Yes, I write fiction. No, I’m not going to post any of it on my blog any time soon. There is a particular story I’ve had in mind for a few years now, which I’ll probably post samples of once I get around to actually writing it, but that won’t be for quite a while. Much needs to be done first. Like prayer. And research. I’m not making excuses – I just know there are things I need to do and learn if I’m going to do a story justice.

Gosh, I’m bad at this “streams of consciousness” thing! The idea is, you’re supposed to just write without stopping or editing and post whatever comes out. But I’m an obsessive self-editor. I’m constantly going back and reading and deleting and re-writing. I can’t help it. I’ll write the same paragraph a dozen times before I’m satisfied with it.

Oh, I started a new thing this week – Mi Querida Biblia, from my friend Renee’s blog (I get a lot of things from her blog – she kind of rocks like that!). She has this really nifty button I can put on my blog…but I don’t know how! A button tutorial is in order. I shall schedule one for tonight with my husband the computer guru and then write a nice descriptive post about the path I traveled to my decision to join in the Mi Querida Biblia fun. Somewhere between “24” and “Castle”, I’ll get it done.

Speaking of “24”, did you know this is its last season??? This is the first season I’ve actually watched and I’m hooked. My husband said not to worry, we can order the first 7 seasons on Netflix.

Oh. No.

That could be dangerous.

This was a week for new things!

On Wednesday, I went to my first official Jazzercise class! I’ve gone to one class before, in January when they had their Open House – my friend Renee invited me, and I absolutely loved it. I had to wait for my other gym membership to expire so there wouldn’t be a huge penalty for cancelling, plus I got a coupon in the mail. Love coupons! Hint: Always, always go through the stacks of coupons because you never know what little gems you might find. But that’s another post.

The baby went into the childcare room, where he did great. He’s such a chill little guy! And he loved flirting with all the ladies who came up to peek into his carseat and say hi to his adorable little chubby-cheeked self. And I had an absolute blast. It was hard, yeah, and my muscles are in a world of hurt from that workout, but I’m really looking forward to improving and getting stronger.

We also instituted our “Nights Off” this week. Wednesday is Mommy’s Night Off, and Thursday is Daddy’s Night Off. When it’s my night off, I get to do whatever I want and not worry about dinner or diapers. I still have to feed the baby, yeah, but otherwise I’m footloose and fancy free! My husband made dinner and took care of the baby after feedings, and I got to do whatever I wanted. Which was absolutely nothing! Sometimes you just want to do nothing.

Thursday, Daddy had his night off. After stopping at the store to get an onion for the meatloaf I wanted to make, he went to the gym for a nice long workout. When he came home, I had meatloaf in the oven and a happy freshly changed baby waiting to play with him.

Which brings me to…

I made my husband a Meatloaf Believer!!! I love meatloaf – always have. He said he hated it, but would try it if I made it. So I took a recipe from one of my favorite cookbooks and whipped it up for him. And he LIKED it! Hah! I feel triumphant! I see meatloaf in our future! Lots of meatloaf! Bwa ha ha haaaaa!!!

Ahem. Um. Anyway.

Do you guys know how much doing this blog has set me free??? It was like all I needed to do was take this one step to bust down a huge wall I’d been just kind of poking at for years. I never would have gone to Jazzercise alone before! I would have waited until someone I know was going and hid behind them. Now, it doesn’t matter. And I’m not nervous. I don’t worry about looking silly. I’m just a beginner. I’ll improve.

I was going to go to Jazzercise this morning, actually. But the weather is nasty so classes were cancelled. But I’m going to work out at home so I don’t lose my momentum. I was torn between Pilates and Tae Bo, because I have DVDs for both, but I think I’m going to go for the Pilates.

And that wraps up this extremely random post! Maybe next time I’ll have a theme – or maybe not. Who knows! But I’m going to not put so much pressure on myself to always have some deep theme. Sometimes blogging is just for fun!

I’ve gotten so many wonderful comments in the past couple weeks and am so blessed by each and every one! I’ve visited your blogs and am on pins and needles to write some personal replies – I just haven’t had time yet! I’m still mastering the controls of this blog thing while being a wife and the mother of a 3 month old.

Thanks for the comments and keep ‘em coming! I love interacting with people through writing and am looking forward to “hanging out” with my readers as I get the hang of this!

Ever since the Nintendo Wii came out, my husband has been begging for one. It seemed like every time I turned around he was trying to figure out how to get a Wii into our house. He even suggested getting one for Christmas. Each and every time, I refused. I hate video games. My excuse was that I think they rot children’s minds. After a while another, probably more plausible, reason came out – I’m terrible at video games, and I didn’t see the point of getting a Wii when I would just stink at it anyway and not be able to enjoy it with everyone.

Well, that all changed on Sunday! My in-laws just bought a Wii, and invited us over to celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday and play with the Wii. I told my husband I’d try it. Well, really, I whined “Fiiiiiiine, I’ll tryyyyyyyy it but I’m not gonna be any gooooooooood at it!” after he begged me to give it a chance.

Um…

We played for THREE HOURS.

And I LIKED IT. In fact, I’m rather good at it! We bowled, we fenced, we shot archery, we rode jet skis, we wakeboarded…and my husband and I enjoyed beating the tar out of each other in the swordfighting waaaaay too much! And I enjoyed beating him at said swordfighting way too much… My arms and shoulders are so sore today – it feels like I went to the gym and lifted weights for an hour instead of playing video games!

And it felt REALLY good to find my competitive spirit! A lot of people who know me, or knew me a long time ago, probably have no idea that I have even a speck of competitiveness in me. I sure didn’t! But I was fierce with that Wii.

That’s one of the things I’m discovering on this journey I named my blog after – you’ll never find the things you love doing unless you try new things, even if they’re scary. And it’s been way too long since I’ve tried new things, due to a fear that I’d be terrible at it. But if I hadn’t gotten over that and tried the Wii, I wouldn’t have had so much fun!

I’m starting Jazzercise this week, too. I gave that a shot several weeks ago and loved it – even though that very morning as I was sending my husband off to work I was nearly having a meltdown over it. I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep up and I just knew I was going to have an asthma attack and everyone would be staring at me! My husband didn’t laugh at me – he simply told me “You are NOT going to have an asthma attack, and you’ll keep up just fine. This is your first time – don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Yeah, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself! I don’t have to be perfect at everything I try. But if I don’t try anything at all, I’ll never find the things I love to do.

So that’s two new things for me this week – Jazzercise and a Wii. Well, the Wii will come later when we have a bigger family room. Until then we’ll just go invade my in-laws’ house and play with theirs.

Finding the root, the beginning, of an insecurity can be a difficult thing. I was reminded today of when my writing insecurity first surfaced. My mom, upon reading my blog for the first time, e-mailed me and reminded me.

I was in the 6^th grade. My school was part of the Imagination Celebration, and as part of it we all wrote stories in our English classes. I don’t remember the particulars about my story – it was about Native Americans, I think – but I remember how I enjoyed writing it, drawing on my years and years of burying myself in books set on the wagon trails of the frontier. I knew our teacher was going to select a few to be read in front of the class, and that a few lucky students would be chosen to present their stories as part of the Imagination Celebration.

Then my teacher asked me if I would read my story in front of the class. Without thinking, I shook my head “no”. She knew I was pretty shy anyway, and so asked if I would be okay with her reading it to the class in my stead. Again, I shook my head. I was terrified, you see, of being teased. It was my first year in public school – all I knew of public school was what I saw on television shows like “Saved by the Bell” and such. In my little 11-year-old mind, I wanted desperately to be popular and feared being teased. I was afraid the “cool” kids would make fun of my beautiful story, of the imagery I had so lovingly crafted. So I refused. With my eyes wide and downcast, I refused.

My teacher then asked if I would be willing to read my story to a camera for the Imagination Celebration. One of the chosen.

And again…I shook my head. No.

Two things surfaced in that incident: My love and talent for writing, and my insecurity about it. Strange how two such opposite things surfaced at the very same time.

My mom wrote to me:

“I was thinking about insecurities when I went to bed that night. It’s as if the Lord said to me, “An insecurity is a bondage that begins with a lie.” Of course, all bondanges are based on a lie from the Father of lies. Then I heard “The purpose of this bondage is to render people spiritually impotent.” I thought that was an interesting word so I laid there and thought about it. The definition I was given to the word impotent was – The inability to connect meaningfully with people in a way that would create life.”

How true it is! All my life my insecurity has prevented me from making lifegiving connections. Not just insecurity about writing – insecurity about my looks, my body, the way I talk, what I do, so many things. It can be a constant battle in life. The mind can be the enemy’s playground when we don’t guard it carefully and fill it with good and wholesome things. Hence why the Bible tells us,

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

Isn’t it interesting that he uses “mind” instead of “heart” in that scripture? I’ve only recently been learning the importance of my mind in my walk with God. We place so much emphasis on the heart, that we sometimes forget about the mind. Our minds should be filled and busy with good, wholesome things from the Lord so that there is no room for the enemy to frolic about, planting lies.

A lie was planted in my mind when I was 11 years old, a lie that my writing was “weird” and would be made fun of, so I needed to keep it clutched close to my heart and never let anybody see it. I’ve let that lie hold me captive for the past fifteen years. And it has poisoned other parts of my life, too – other insecurities sprouted up like little weeds around that first root. And they’re being pulled up, too, as I process through things here on my blog.

So in an effort to “renew my mind”, I am challenging myself – and I invite any of you who want to challenge yourselves! – to do something renewing every day. Read the Bible or a study book, listen to a sermon, watch a teaching.

Because as we fill ourselves with the good stuff, we start craving the good stuff. One of my pastors was doing a sermon on that very principal a few years ago – he said “You crave what you feed yourself.” So let’s feed ourselves some good soul food!

Okay, that was cheesy…but I think I’m entitled to some cheesiness once in a while.

Wow, wow, and WOW.

This, I never expected.

I was sitting at home Sunday night, surrounded by girlfriends and babies, watching the Academy Awards (my yearly guilty pleasure!), holding my fussy baby who did not want to take his nap, when my husband – who had escaped to have some “man time” with a buddy –  text messaged me.

“Check ur admin site for ur blog…” it read. “You are getting peeps from Kingdom Twindom…lots!”*

*Somehow when we set up my blog his e-mail address got into the moderator slot. Fixing that tonight.

I couldn’t believe it! What in the world?? My friend Renee went straight to her Blackberry (or Crackberry, as I affectionately call the little devices) and said “Kingdom Mama tweeted about a new blog…it must be you!” So she grabbed my laptop and went straight to Kingdom Twindom and began reading the blog entry out loud.

Guys, I just about fell off the couch. “I feel like I just won an Academy Award!” I said, which made my companions giggle, as we had just been talking about how we loved watching the winners react on the show.

See, I haven’t set out to become famous or anything like that. I started my blog out of obedience to God, to use His gifts. I’d settled in my mind and heart that I needed to do this for me, not for anyone else’s approval (despite my enormous fear of people reading my stuff). I wasn’t going to ask anyone to promote me – nor did I have any expectations of anyone promoting my blog. A link off to the side in the “blogs I read” column someday was my idea of the ultimate. I imagined what that would feel like, the thrill of it. I’d get goosebumps visualizing it. What an honor!

So you can imagine the feelings coursing through me on Sunday night. I’m sure I provided great entertainment for a while there! It’s exciting for so many reasons, but mainly the reason I am so honored and humbled and excited that Sarah saw fit to do what she did is because it’s a huge confirmation that I am doing what God wants me to do.

So thank you, Sarah and Kingdom Twindom and all you readers! Your words and responses have shown God’s confirmation to me…and that is the ultimate.

I was ruminating over my first post and realized something: The funny thing about insecurities is we all think we’re the only person who has them. Think about it – we’re always so surprised when we find out someone we know has insecurities:

“Her? No way! She’s like, perfect!”

“But he’s so confident!”

“But she’s so pretty!”

“But he has so many friends!”

And yet, these people have so many of the same insecurities we’ve all found ourselves plagued by. Hmmm…

What if we all stopped being surprised by insecurities? What if we all were open about it? What if we all stopped hiding behind our insecurities, and stepped around to face them and therefore conquered them?

I think the Kingdom of God would explode all over the earth.

Think about THAT for a minute.

And that is why I’m taking my blog public. Totally cold-turkey public. Because I am TIRED of letting this insecurity I have about people reading what I write standing between me and the glorious gift God has given me in my ability to put words to page.

So…what insecurity is standing between you and God’s calling?

Over the past several days I’ve been sort of taking stock of my insecurities. Instead of hiding behind them, I am stepping out in front and turning to face them. And that regret I talked about in my first post? I’m facing that too.

As a matter of fact, I came directly face-to-face with it at church this morning. My pastor said “Man lays his plans, but God directs his steps.” It occurred to me when he said that, what if I haven’t blown it? What if God’s ability to direct my steps is much bigger than my ability to follow my own plans? I know this to be true. And what if God has been waiting for me to come out from behind my insecurities and admit that I struggle with this regret so that He can finally direct my steps? It’s not too late. God knew things were going to go this way and it didn’t affect the fact that he has plans for me.

Sometimes in my human-ness I forget God knows everything. I forget there are no surprises to Him. And I forget He doesn’t give up on us.

Doing this blog, as a matter of fact, is facing what feels like the biggest insecurity of all. I’m three days into it and have told a total of two people I’m doing it. My husband, and the friend who introduced me to the world of blogging. I know eventually I’ll go more public – but bear in mind, the idea of letting others read what I write has so terrified me for so long, this has got to be in baby steps. If I do the “cold turkey” concept and just blast it out to everyone I know, I think I’d have a nervous breakdown and retreat into my shell faster than a snapping turtle. (When I think about it, that’s exactly what happened with my writing correspondence course) And that, my friends, would defeat the entire purpose.

But I do feel as if I’ve made the first step – acknowledging that even though I gave up on myself, God never gave up on me. And that inspires me to start believing in myself again, believing I have a gift, believing God still wants to use that gift.

And part of that first step, too, is writing. Just writing. Blowing the dust off of my fingertips and polishing up the keyboard. It feels good. It feels REALLY good.

You know that famous line from “Chariots of Fire”? That really famous movie I confess I’ve never even seen, but I can recognize the music right from the first note. Anyway, the main character says “I feel the pleasure of God when I run.” Well, that’s how I feel when I write. I feel the pleasure of God. No shame, no disappointment – just pure glowing joy, like I’m alive all over again.

I think that says something.