Over the past several days I’ve been sort of taking stock of my insecurities. Instead of hiding behind them, I am stepping out in front and turning to face them. And that regret I talked about in my first post? I’m facing that too.

As a matter of fact, I came directly face-to-face with it at church this morning. My pastor said “Man lays his plans, but God directs his steps.” It occurred to me when he said that, what if I haven’t blown it? What if God’s ability to direct my steps is much bigger than my ability to follow my own plans? I know this to be true. And what if God has been waiting for me to come out from behind my insecurities and admit that I struggle with this regret so that He can finally direct my steps? It’s not too late. God knew things were going to go this way and it didn’t affect the fact that he has plans for me.

Sometimes in my human-ness I forget God knows everything. I forget there are no surprises to Him. And I forget He doesn’t give up on us.

Doing this blog, as a matter of fact, is facing what feels like the biggest insecurity of all. I’m three days into it and have told a total of two people I’m doing it. My husband, and the friend who introduced me to the world of blogging. I know eventually I’ll go more public – but bear in mind, the idea of letting others read what I write has so terrified me for so long, this has got to be in baby steps. If I do the “cold turkey” concept and just blast it out to everyone I know, I think I’d have a nervous breakdown and retreat into my shell faster than a snapping turtle. (When I think about it, that’s exactly what happened with my writing correspondence course) And that, my friends, would defeat the entire purpose.

But I do feel as if I’ve made the first step – acknowledging that even though I gave up on myself, God never gave up on me. And that inspires me to start believing in myself again, believing I have a gift, believing God still wants to use that gift.

And part of that first step, too, is writing. Just writing. Blowing the dust off of my fingertips and polishing up the keyboard. It feels good. It feels REALLY good.

You know that famous line from “Chariots of Fire”? That really famous movie I confess I’ve never even seen, but I can recognize the music right from the first note. Anyway, the main character says “I feel the pleasure of God when I run.” Well, that’s how I feel when I write. I feel the pleasure of God. No shame, no disappointment – just pure glowing joy, like I’m alive all over again.

I think that says something.