Finding the root, the beginning, of an insecurity can be a difficult thing. I was reminded today of when my writing insecurity first surfaced. My mom, upon reading my blog for the first time, e-mailed me and reminded me.
I was in the 6th grade. My school was part of the Imagination Celebration, and as part of it we all wrote stories in our English classes. I don’t remember the particulars about my story – it was about Native Americans, I think – but I remember how I enjoyed writing it, drawing on my years and years of burying myself in books set on the wagon trails of the frontier. I knew our teacher was going to select a few to be read in front of the class, and that a few lucky students would be chosen to present their stories as part of the Imagination Celebration.
Then my teacher asked me if I would read my story in front of the class. Without thinking, I shook my head “no”. She knew I was pretty shy anyway, and so asked if I would be okay with her reading it to the class in my stead. Again, I shook my head. I was terrified, you see, of being teased. It was my first year in public school – all I knew of public school was what I saw on television shows like “Saved by the Bell” and such. In my little 11-year-old mind, I wanted desperately to be popular and feared being teased. I was afraid the “cool” kids would make fun of my beautiful story, of the imagery I had so lovingly crafted. So I refused. With my eyes wide and downcast, I refused.
My teacher then asked if I would be willing to read my story to a camera for the Imagination Celebration. One of the chosen.
And again…I shook my head. No.
Two things surfaced in that incident: My love and talent for writing, and my insecurity about it. Strange how two such opposite things surfaced at the very same time.
My mom wrote to me:
“I was thinking about insecurities when I went to bed that night. It’s as if the Lord said to me, “An insecurity is a bondage that begins with a lie.” Of course, all bondanges are based on a lie from the Father of lies. Then I heard “The purpose of this bondage is to render people spiritually impotent.” I thought that was an interesting word so I laid there and thought about it. The definition I was given to the word impotent was – The inability to connect meaningfully with people in a way that would create life.”
How true it is! All my life my insecurity has prevented me from making lifegiving connections. Not just insecurity about writing – insecurity about my looks, my body, the way I talk, what I do, so many things. It can be a constant battle in life. The mind can be the enemy’s playground when we don’t guard it carefully and fill it with good and wholesome things. Hence why the Bible tells us,
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
Isn’t it interesting that he uses “mind” instead of “heart” in that scripture? I’ve only recently been learning the importance of my mind in my walk with God. We place so much emphasis on the heart, that we sometimes forget about the mind. Our minds should be filled and busy with good, wholesome things from the Lord so that there is no room for the enemy to frolic about, planting lies.
A lie was planted in my mind when I was 11 years old, a lie that my writing was “weird” and would be made fun of, so I needed to keep it clutched close to my heart and never let anybody see it. I’ve let that lie hold me captive for the past fifteen years. And it has poisoned other parts of my life, too – other insecurities sprouted up like little weeds around that first root. And they’re being pulled up, too, as I process through things here on my blog.
So in an effort to “renew my mind”, I am challenging myself – and I invite any of you who want to challenge yourselves! – to do something renewing every day. Read the Bible or a study book, listen to a sermon, watch a teaching.
Because as we fill ourselves with the good stuff, we start craving the good stuff. One of my pastors was doing a sermon on that very principal a few years ago – he said “You crave what you feed yourself.” So let’s feed ourselves some good soul food!
Okay, that was cheesy…but I think I’m entitled to some cheesiness once in a while. 
