Hello, blog-land! I’m back!

I don’t have an eloquent explanation for my hiatus. I got lazy. I got emotional. I got distracted. I got all kinds of things. It’s been a bit of a rough couple of weeks. I think I’m undergoing a wave of hormones or something because it seems like everything gets to me these days. And then I throw my hands up in a huff and say to myself “It’s not like I have anything terribly interesting to write anyway!” It’s a vicious cycle.

I had a meltdown last night over the whole thing. I bawled to my husband about how I always quit and I never finish anything no matter how hard I try so what’s the use? Right now I feel like I’m never going to accomplish anything, so trying isn’t worth the energy. Anybody else feel that way sometimes?

And then there’s the fact that my brain decided to take an irrational bent recently. I’ll just be sitting there thinking of nothing in particular when all of a sudden I’m off down this mental trail about something that doesn’t even exist and then before I know it, I’m down in the dumps. That is totally not normal for me. Which is why I’m theorizing my post-baby body is being battered by hormones.

Throw into the entire mix the fact that we just bought a house and are frantically trying to get it ready to move into by this weekend and packing our current home up, and well…emotional disaster. I just haven’t been capable of processing a lot. There’s been a lot of chaos and a lot of stress.

And I’ve been overwhelmed by the whole blog managing thing. Widgets and wadgets and buttons and HTML code…just thinking about it makes me dizzy. I just want to write! I don’t want to have to worry about all that! It’s not my thing. It really isn’t. I think one of the reasons I’ve been so shut down lately is because I had built up in my irrational mind that there is this pressure on me to learn how to do all that stuff so I can dress my blog up and be like everybody else in blog-land.

Well, I say screw that.

That’s right. I said it.

I have been spending way too much time lately comparing myself to other bloggers and dwelling on what I’m not, and thinking about how my blog sucks compared to theirs and I’m never going to really be part of their community. I feel like I’m twelve years old hovering around the edges of a clique trying to come up with a way to get into it. That has become my focus. And it’s the wrong focus.

So what is this about? I went back and re-read some of my first posts to remind myself. It’s not about being popular or just like everybody else. It’s about doing what I know I’m supposed to do – write, overcome my insecurities, and share what God is doing in my life. That, first and foremost, is the purpose. It got lost in the jumble of what I thought I should be doing, based on what everyone else is doing.

So maybe I’m a little bit of a rebel. I don’t know. Either way, I’m going back to basics for a while. I’m not going to worry about all that extra stuff. I’m just going to do what I love to do. I’m going to write.