Comments on: TGIF…almost… http://aheavenlyjourney.net/2010/07/01/tgif-almost/ Tue, 08 May 2012 22:10:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Annjeri Bass http://aheavenlyjourney.net/2010/07/01/tgif-almost/comment-page-1/#comment-235 Annjeri Bass Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:11:12 +0000 http://aheavenlyjourney.net/?p=79#comment-235 You guys are great. I love the way you both are willing to share how you feel. It certainly helps those like me who wonder how (when the time comes) am I going to get through marriage. Melissa, I am so sorry that this week has been such a yucky one for you, on top of being sick. Bleh!!!!!! I am so very glad that you are feeling better. I hope you have a fabulous weekend. You guys are great. I love the way you both are willing to share how you feel. It certainly helps those like me who wonder how (when the time comes) am I going to get through marriage.
Melissa, I am so sorry that this week has been such a yucky one for you, on top of being sick. Bleh!!!!!! I am so very glad that you are feeling better.
I hope you have a fabulous weekend.

]]> By: Matt http://aheavenlyjourney.net/2010/07/01/tgif-almost/comment-page-1/#comment-234 Matt Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:21:32 +0000 http://aheavenlyjourney.net/?p=79#comment-234 And I was so proud of her for not losing it! I've learned that I need to be very careful how I say things to Melissa... it's a life skill in communication that any man or woman should know... how to communicate with your spouse. We as guys have blue hearing aides and blue megaphones and our wives have pink hearing aides and pink megaphones. When we as men speak in blue (fully intending on being kind and gentle and helpful) it can come across to the pink hearing aides as unloving and hurtful. Same vice-versa from women. But if we can just learn to each speak purple, it seems to work itself out! :-) The argument was about leaving lunch containers on the floor/counter. I used to get on Melissa about doing that when she worked and I tended to the kitchen often myself. It drove me NUTS! But now I relized I was doing the same thing to her that I HATED when she did it to me... and why should I have a double standard? Speaking purple in this case was for me to say. "I totally understand why you'd be upset. I'd feel the same way in your shoes and I'm sorry that I was unloving/disrespectful to your efforts to keep our kitchen clean." Boom, argument over. Hugs and understanding. Was it my actions that stopped it? Partially... but not any more than Melissa being able to rationally explain why she was feeling upset. That was her talking purple to me. She was hormonal, she was frazzeled, and this was the last "straw that broke the camels back" type of situation. It wasn't backing down of some manly need to be right or be the one in charge... quite the contrary, it was a husband being loving and kind to his wife who was on the edge and doing something he should have done in the first place and be concious of not leaving dirty dishes laying on the floor. We all can do it folks. Our spouses are not the enemy out to get us. We both love one another dearly and don't head into any disagreement with the intention of hurting one another, but so often it happens unintentionally. One of us is hurt, we react in a way to hurt the other because we're hurt, and then it all spirals into the crazy cycle and a fight is born. We DO NOT LOSE by being the first to apologize. If it's about winning or losing, we've already lost. In EVERY fight, there is something that each of us has done that requires an apology even if it's for a comment that was meant well but really was hurtful. Saying something like "honey, I'm sorry that I hurt you/made you feel unloved/disrespected by what I did/said... I did not mean it that way and I'm sorry." And stop there... no "but this" or "but that". Just apologize and wait. See what happens. It's like throwing water on a growing fire. I don't know of anyone who, once this happens, will continue to try to escalate the issue. Scripture says "a soft answer turns away wrath." This is a practical example. Apologize. Sincerly. Even if you feel that you are right and justified... say I'm sorry. A soft answer turns away wrath. Repeat that in your mind today and every day. If you must win at something, win at being the first to apologize! That's a worthy goal! Even if you need to work out the details later, even if you really are the one in the right... if you apologize first, then you'll be able to discuss it rationally and lovingly with each other's best interest at heart. That's what we all want right? Anyway, that was supposed to be a couple sentences long and it just wanted to go longer! :) Love you all! And I was so proud of her for not losing it! I’ve learned that I need to be very careful how I say things to Melissa… it’s a life skill in communication that any man or woman should know… how to communicate with your spouse. We as guys have blue hearing aides and blue megaphones and our wives have pink hearing aides and pink megaphones. When we as men speak in blue (fully intending on being kind and gentle and helpful) it can come across to the pink hearing aides as unloving and hurtful. Same vice-versa from women. But if we can just learn to each speak purple, it seems to work itself out! :-)

The argument was about leaving lunch containers on the floor/counter. I used to get on Melissa about doing that when she worked and I tended to the kitchen often myself. It drove me NUTS! But now I relized I was doing the same thing to her that I HATED when she did it to me… and why should I have a double standard? Speaking purple in this case was for me to say. “I totally understand why you’d be upset. I’d feel the same way in your shoes and I’m sorry that I was unloving/disrespectful to your efforts to keep our kitchen clean.” Boom, argument over. Hugs and understanding. Was it my actions that stopped it? Partially… but not any more than Melissa being able to rationally explain why she was feeling upset. That was her talking purple to me. She was hormonal, she was frazzeled, and this was the last “straw that broke the camels back” type of situation. It wasn’t backing down of some manly need to be right or be the one in charge… quite the contrary, it was a husband being loving and kind to his wife who was on the edge and doing something he should have done in the first place and be concious of not leaving dirty dishes laying on the floor.

We all can do it folks. Our spouses are not the enemy out to get us. We both love one another dearly and don’t head into any disagreement with the intention of hurting one another, but so often it happens unintentionally. One of us is hurt, we react in a way to hurt the other because we’re hurt, and then it all spirals into the crazy cycle and a fight is born.

We DO NOT LOSE by being the first to apologize. If it’s about winning or losing, we’ve already lost. In EVERY fight, there is something that each of us has done that requires an apology even if it’s for a comment that was meant well but really was hurtful. Saying something like “honey, I’m sorry that I hurt you/made you feel unloved/disrespected by what I did/said… I did not mean it that way and I’m sorry.” And stop there… no “but this” or “but that”. Just apologize and wait. See what happens. It’s like throwing water on a growing fire. I don’t know of anyone who, once this happens, will continue to try to escalate the issue. Scripture says “a soft answer turns away wrath.” This is a practical example. Apologize. Sincerly. Even if you feel that you are right and justified… say I’m sorry. A soft answer turns away wrath. Repeat that in your mind today and every day. If you must win at something, win at being the first to apologize! That’s a worthy goal! Even if you need to work out the details later, even if you really are the one in the right… if you apologize first, then you’ll be able to discuss it rationally and lovingly with each other’s best interest at heart. That’s what we all want right?

Anyway, that was supposed to be a couple sentences long and it just wanted to go longer! :)

Love you all!

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